What not to say

Over the past two weeks I had the experience of walking alongside two friends as they lost very close family members. Lots of things were said to the grieving families, but not all were helpful. In times of grief we want to show our support and help the persons feel better, because we do not like to see them unhappy. But grief is process that cannot be avoided or fast tracked, and as uncomfortable as it is for us to see our friends hurting, many times the hurt is necessary if they are to experience healing.

It is challenging to know what to say when someone dies, especially when the death was unexpected or traumatic in nature.

How are you?
Are we really prepared for the honest answer to this question? Especially when the death is still fresh, this question can be very frustrating for the family member: How do you think I am doing I just lost my parent/spouse/child/best friend?!!!! A better approach to express our concern about how the individual is coping is to ask more specific questions - are you eating? sleeping? breathing? These specific questions are easier to process compared to the generic "how are you" and the responses would better enable us to know in what areas the person might need more support.

What happened?
Our natural inclination, especially in instances where the death was unexpected, is to want to know how the person died. For the family members, having to retell the story over and over again can be very draining emotionally. Knowing the details is really just to satisfy our curiosity, and does nothing to help the loved ones. Of course, if they want to talk about it, we should let them talk, without interrupting with our own experiences of similar (or different!) losses.

<Insert your thoughts on why the person died>
When a death is not due to illness, one of the biggest questions the loved ones have is, why? Unless we have received a direct revelation from God that He has instructed us to share with the family members and friends, we should refrain from postulating about the reason why the person died. We know that ultimately God is sovereign and He determines the length of our days (Job 14:5) but it is our human thinking that causes us to question why a person died in the manner or time that they did. Just as God was not obligated to give Job an answer to his question about why he was suffering, God may not choose to give an explanation about the purpose for the timing of a person's death, and we should not 'play' God by giving an answer.

You will get over it
Even though the intense pain of losing a loved one may diminish over time, there will continue to be an empty space in the lives of all those who were dear to them. One of the consequences of loving someone deeply is that when the person is gone, the pain of losing them is tremendous. Those who are grieving will eventually find ways to go on living without the person who died, but they will never forget their loved one, nor should they.

God does not give us more than we can bear
First of all, this statement is no where in the Bible. The verse which is often misquoted and applied out of context is actually 1 Corinthians 10:13 - No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.

Secondly, the reality is that many times when we experience pain, it feels like it is more than we can bear. But the beauty of being in relationship with God and in fellowship with His people is that we do not have to bear the hurt and pain alone - God is close to the broken hearted (Psalm 34:18), and has provided support for those who walk through the valley of the shadow of death (Psalm 23:4).

I don't know what to say
Many times, the best thing to say is nothing. Be sensitive to what the grieving friends and family are going through and what they need at the time. Sometimes they may just want a hug. Other times they may just want someone to sit and mourn with them like Job's friends did during his time of sorrow (Job 2:13) We should not feel like we need to "say something" to make them feel better because the reality is that it will take them a while to process the pain and hurt they are experiencing; it will not just disappear because of something that we said.

We can also look for practical ways that we can support the grieving family. Maybe they need someone to answer their phone so they don't have to keep repeating the same things over and over again. Maybe they need transport or company to do all the running around that is necessary in the days following a death in preparation for the funeral. Even after the funeral there is still a need for support. Maybe they would appreciate a home cooked meal since they would not be in a frame of mind to provide that for themselves. Maybe they need someone to look after their children for a while so they can take some time to process their grief on their own. Maybe they just need someone to touch base with them on a regular basis after the funeral, because even though everyone else has gone back to their normal activities, life for them will never be the same. Maybe they need someone to pray with them - not make promises to pray but actually stop what you are doing and pray with them.

May we be sensitive to the needs of those who are grieving the loss of friends and family members, and depend on God's guidance about how best we can be supportive of them in their time of need.

When Job’s three friends, Eliphaz the Temanite, Bildad the Shuhite and Zophar the Naamathite, heard about all the troubles that had come upon him, they set out from their homes and met together by agreement to go and sympathize with him and comfort him. Job 2:11